


Barrier

by kyaappucino



Series: Demi/Pan [3]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Demisexual Character, M/M, Pansexual Character, and incredibly sad, but it gets better, it's just heavy, my feels are all over this ;;
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 17:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6762499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaappucino/pseuds/kyaappucino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They may have admitted their love for each other–but soon it becomes clear that touch was something Hakyeon held sacred. And if he didn’t find it with Taekwoon, he would look for it elsewhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barrier

**Author's Note:**

> Real life’s been heavy lately, honestly. So I guess that means it’s time to update the Demi/Pan series. Companion fics to Unexpectedly and Attachment.
> 
> Some of the situations I used applied to someone I once loved—possibly why I find it difficult to write down. There’s one or two more after this, I think. Ah—this is heavy and sad, so…please be careful. 
> 
> And as always – it gets better.

Taekwoon actually does like Hakyeon’s gentle hands, especially when they cup his cheek or the back of his neck. They’re dark and strong, and it reassures him that no matter what happens, Hakyeon will always be there. But these days, he wakes up earlier than Hakyeon and crawls, half-asleep into Wonshik or Hongbin’s room and curls up in a corner until someone else wakes him up.

During breakfast, he tries not to look back into Hakyeon’s eyes, gentle and full of questions, shiny with pain. They weren’t like this a few months ago—but then again, it wasn’t Taekwoon who sneaked out in the middle of the night and came back with dark bruises peppered all over his skin. 

Before, when Taekwoon only thought of him as a precious friend this wouldn’t have hurt him at all. Hakyeon was born to receive love, and deserved every bit of what he got. This he understood. The problem now was that he was starting to want, to crave more than what he got. And this made him feel selfish.

Hakyeon wasn’t his (mainly because words were hard, and courage was rarely found in between the floorboards of their dorm) and besides, why would his strong leader ever look his way?

Taekwoon then loves him from afar, allows Hakyeon to embrace him. Sometimes he would even allow Hakyeon’s head to rest on his lap if he was truly tired from a schedule—and that was when he realized he had kept right on falling.

There are times when he feels Hakyeon’s eyes on him, so intense that Taekwoon’s surprised he hasn’t melted onto the floor. The main vocal wonders if Hakyeon knows, if Hakyeon feels the sad eyes that stare at the gentle curve of his spine as he walks out the door, heading to someone else’s bed for the night.

It’s enough to make him weep.

+

He’s been lying awake in bed for hours now, watches the shadows on the ceiling. Taekwoon hears Wonshik snoring from the other room and he tries to calm down, tries to breathe in time to Wonshik’s snoring. Hakyeon’s text comes in at 3:00am, a hurried ‘I’m on my way home, Woonie.’ He hates how it makes his heart leap, how he wants to see Hakyeon.

There are nights when Taekwoon is overcome with the desire to touch Hakyeon, to feel the bones beneath his skin. It embarrasses him and he shifts uncomfortably on his bed, hugging his stuffed SpongeBob close. Just when it feels like he could fall asleep, the door gently creaks open and there’s Hakyeon, walking inside smelling like musk. He’s been with a man tonight, Taekwoon thinks, and suddenly the desire to touch his lifelong friend—and now, crush—disappears as quickly as it had come.

“Did I wake you up?” Hakyeon asked softly. Taekwoon turns his head towards Hakyeon, ready to say no, to welcome him back, and to ask if he was feeling much better. The air around them felt heavy and Taekwoon stands up—the desire to touch is back, despite the smell that clung to his leader’s body. Hakyeon turns on a lamp near his nightstand and a ‘tsk’ sound comes out of his mouth as he takes out a box full of skin products. “This’ll take a while to cover up…”

Fully curious now, Taekwoon walks over to Hakyeon, until he’s behind Hakyeon and can see his face, his body reflected in the mirror. There was only one lamp illuminating both their figures and that was when he saw it: dozens of tiny black and blue bruises dotting Hakyeon’s ribs, his sternum, and his collarbones. He wouldn’t be surprised if there were more underneath his T-shirt. Granted they were all strategically placed; nothing some bb cream and high-collared shirts couldn’t hide.

Taekwoon wished there was some sort of cream to hide his heart, too.

How he could fall in love with such a person is beyond him. Taekwoon’s world feels much too small, too inadequate when it’s stacked beside Hakyeon’s, a world of bright colors and passionate romps in between bedsheets. 

Wordlessly, Taekwoon reaches over onto Hakyeon’s nightstand and pulls out some bb cream. “Let me.” He hears the elder’s breathing hitch at the offer and nods. With gentle fingers, Taekwoon carefully hides each bruise as Hakyeon watches. 

“Ah…maybe I shouldn’t have let them mark me so hard…” Hakyeon mutters, and Taekwoon hums in agreement. “At least we don’t have a photo shoot tomorrow…just a variety show.” 

“That’s not much better,” Hakyeon says, laughing. “we move around a lot during variety shows, too.” 

“How’s Minhyuk?” Taekwoon asks suddenly as his long fingers pat away a particularly large bruise on the juncture of Hakyeon’s neck and shoulder. Hakyeon thought for a moment before saying, “Last I checked he was just fine. Why?”

“Oh. I thought he….” Taekwoon gestured to the bruises. “Ah, no.” Hakyeon said softly as he inspected Taekwoon’s handiwork. The bb cream blended in with his skin perfectly, hiding each tell-tale mark. “Ah, no. I just came back from Jackson’s, he had a party. And things kinda got…heated.”

When Taekwoon hears this, his heart decides that it’s heard enough. “Oh.” He places the tube of bb cream back onto Hakyeon’s nightstand and says softly, “I’m sleepy.” He lies down on his side of the bed and when Hakyeon tries to cuddle up next to him, all Taekwoon can think about are the bruises, of how thoroughly Hakyeon had been marked by various strangers. It makes his body stiffen, so much that Hakyeon mumbles, “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s…it’s just…” Taekwoon hugs his stuffed SpongeBob tighter beneath the covers. “…it feels wrong. You and someone else’s love bites.”

Amusement colors Hakyeon’s voice _. So that was it._ “Why?” he asks, playfully. “Do you wish you could do it too?” Jung Taekwoon may have been shy and reserved, but in love, he was an honest person. Cowardly, perhaps but otherwise honest. It wasn’t the ideal way to confess, but then again—Hakyeon was a far cry from the kind of person Taekwoon had expected to feel so strongly about.

“No. I want to be the only one.”

It’s been months and apparently, it hasn’t been platonic for either of them. Hakyeon sits up, fully awake now. “What’s…does that mean—“

“Yes.” Taekwoon confesses quietly. “I think you’re one of the few people I’ll love for the rest of my life.” Hakyeon’s eyes softened and he kisses Taekwoon on the cheek, gentle and sweet. “I love you, too.” Taekwoon cuddles closer to Hakyeon, and suddenly they’re kissing, with Taekwoon licking into Hakyeon’s mouth. The older man suppresses a groan and kisses back with equal passion. When the main vocal feels Hakyeon’s fingers wandering south, his eyes flutter open and he shakes his head. “No.” he wasn’t ready for that, and Hakyeon nods in understanding. His fingers instead reach out for Taekwoon’s shoulders, his ribs, and his waist.

“Is it okay if I continue partying, though?” Hakyeon whispers. Taekwoon thinks about it for a long, long while. He loves Hakyeon, but doesn’t feel comfortable with getting too intimate yet.

He’d known about Hakyeon’s penchant for touch, his desire to express and feel love. But any more than this and he would probably break. It’s too soon, Taekwoon thinks. The numerous bites dancing along Hakyeon’s skin, hidden with makeup is just something he can’t comprehend. He wonders if there’s anything wrong with him, with what he thinks.

When they break apart for air, Taekwoon apologizes and Hakyeon shakes his head, lifting up one of Taekwoon’s hands and kissing each fingertip with reverence. “It’s okay. We’ll take it slow. Whatever you need, love.”

“I don’t mind. Just…” A whine escapes Taekwoon’s throat as he presses kisses to Hakyeon’s collarbones, and Hakyeon runs a hand through Taekwoon’s dark locks, gently scratching his scalp. “Okay. I won’t let them mark me anymore.”

It wasn’t exactly what he wanted, but it was a start.

+

They may have admitted their love for each other–but soon it becomes clear that touch was something Hakyeon held sacred. And if he didn’t find it with Taekwoon, he would look for it elsewhere.

There’s a barrier in between himself and Hakyeon, and it’s called every person Hakyeon’s ever been with. When Hakyeon comes back into their bedroom and takes off his shirt, Taekwoon spots bruises on his waist, shaped like fingers. “I’m sorry.” Hakyeon says quietly, and Taekwoon averts his eyes. He doesn’t allow Hakyeon to touch him, his eyes sad and wet along the edges. He pushes Hakyeon away every time he tries to come close. “But I love you,” Hakyeon says softly, not understanding why. “I did tell you I was going to attend a party.”

“I know…” Taekwoon says, his voice emotionless as he hugs SpongeBob. There’s a wide gap between them and whenever Hakyeon tries to move closer, Taekwoon moves further away. “You can love me, but if I let you touch…then I’m no better than everyone whom you’ve ever slept with.”

Hakyeon knows. He’s been in these situations before. But unlike the other times, running away and finding someone else to fuck doesn’t numb the pain. The moment he spotted the bruises in the mirror, he’d known that Taekwoon would be upset, would be sad. And any other time he would have just shrugged it off. If it was any other person, he would have dumped them already.

As Hakyeon sleeps without Taekwoon’s warmth on his back, he sighs deeply. “I hope you’ll allow me to, one day.”

He doesn’t expect an answer, really. So it surprises him when he hears Taekwoon reply, “I will. I just…don’t want you to sleep around anymore.”

“Then why don’t you forbid me?” Hakyeon asks. There’s a heavy sort of silence hanging between them, and Taekwoon says quietly, “Because I want you to choose not to do it, Hakyeonnie.”

_Because I don’t own you,_ Taekwoon thinks.

_Because I want you to choose me._


End file.
